MY OWN ART SHOW
I'm so sick of meeting every prick gallery owners ridiculous requirements for juried exhibitions, so I have decided to have my own art show. You, dear artist are free to enter! No one will be turned down! You simply have to meet my few and reasonable requirements. Here's the ad, yours first my dear readers, before it gets posted anywhere else!
The Super Duper Dazzling 100th semi tri-annual art show of the Immaculate Virgin third Trimester Abortion!!!
Location:
Planned Parenthood Clinic, Newark NJ
Open to all artists 84 years of age or older that are citizens of at least 4 countries spanning both hemispheres and stratospheres on at least 9 continents.
Fees: $500 per slide USD. $300 enrollment fee FUK. $89.95 per email contact SHT. $2986.67 + all applicable sales taxes in perpetuity throughout the known and unknown universe and in all dimensions up to and including the recently discovered 16th only knowable through abstract mathematics per Jpeg image on CDNR (CD non-readable) PUK. PNG files are free.
Requirements for submissions:
Slides must be three dimensional, plastic and glass are unacceptable, please irradiated leather only at 75% opacity, 4.97984658946 inches in size.
Email must be sent to my email address, along with 10 of your friends email addresses and along with 10 of their friends email addresses, etc.; ad infinitum. Please include email fees in the email envelope.
Jpeg images must measure 14,000.9 pixels in width and 0.008 pixels in height, and must be no greater than 0.000000009 PPI. Monochrome only, please do not use black and be sure the color balancing is correct.
PNG files must be hardcopy ONLY. Please no paper. Must be etched into slate tablets. Shipped at owners expense including return shipping (note, no submission materials will be returned). Please do not insure package. Not responsible for loss or damaged submissions. DO NOT PACK WITH BUBBLE WRAP OR ANY OTHER PACKING MATERIAL, send in #10.3 size paper envelopes only, powder blue suggested. Stamps must portray Elvis, the older one, sitting on a toilet with a cheeseburger. Please send to:
My address
Rules and Regulations:
All disciplines will be accepted with the following omissions:
NO:
No Oil, acrylic, or watercolor paintings please.
No Ink, pencil, charcoal, or shit drawings please.
No Etchings, rubbings, sculpture, silk-screens, acetate transfers, slides, photos, digital images, performance art, video, or any original intellectual property. PLAGIARISM OF ANY KIND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!
INTOLERANCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!
ZERO TOLERANCE SEXUAL HARASSMENT POLICY!
ALL WOMEN MUST SEND NUDE PICS OF THEMSELVES THAT MEET SUBMISSION REQUIREMENTS AND SUBMIT AN ADDITIONAL $9 PMS FOR REVIEW AND MASTURBATION!
Paintings must be framed, wood, metal, plastic and glass frames are not permitted. Frames must be wired with Crazy Joe's 2 lb fishing line, available only at Crazy Joe's in Fort Lauderdale Fl, USA. Paintings must include the following colors: Blue Hazel Alizarin Green/Yellow, deep hue; blue; Burnt Charred Destroyed Umber, shallow hue; and no blue please. Must be painted with brushes made from the finest pubic hair of a young virgin plucked from a scrotum or ass by the teeth of a one eyed sailor with no limbs and a penchant for buggery during the 5th full moon of the leap year. In order to maintain consistency all paintings submitted from all applicants must be the same dimensions.
Sculptures must be 2 dimensional and presented in a monochromatic oeuvre, and must include the following colors, yellow and yellow ochre, and um red.
Please do not submit any art that includes the color red! It will enrage my pet bull! (who has submitted a painting of his penis for this show titled Envy)
All videos must be shot on 18 mm film, and will be presented using an 8mm projector. Please no color film. B&W film will not be accepted.
All drawings must be of my penis, no nudity please.
Performance art must be performed in the nude, no indecency will be permitted.
ALL entries must be presented in absolute silence (please be prepared to verbally explain your work).
Prizes:
1st place: 1 (one) red paper clip.
2nd place: $1.6 million USD
3rd place: $20 gift card at McDonald's, good through 8/10/06
Honorable Mention: Bitter feeling of neglect and rejection (so close, and yet so far).
Dates:
The show will open on 9/9/10, submissions must be postmarked no earlier than 9/8/10 and no later than 8/9/06 EST. The show's duration will be one minute after 13:00 am on the sixth day after the moon of Jupiter reaches the celestial orbit of ZOG, and will last about 3 seconds, refreshments of bread and salt water will be served during this time, BYOB (no alcoholic beverages permitted on premises).
Prizes will be awarded 2/29/89 at 2500 hours through video transfer and telepathic surround sound.
Juror:
Your mom and the amazing RANDO! (Rando will not be present, and has rejected all affiliation with this show)
